HOLY NIGHTMARE

let us delay the continuation of the camp story.

it was two days ago when I had a nightmare.

it is not the nightmare people think of, but the scene I "experience" in my dream is just .. I just wont let it happen to me..

i cant fully remember what i saw.. but it was like me with a "christian community". i know someone quiet well in this community and for a while had adored this person's personality, a man. But its not all about havin a crush on him. a bit, but not much to bother, seriously, just a bit.
not thinking of him at all for all of my days, not even the day i got that nightmare.

okay what was the dream about is from what i remembered, i got together with him .. see? what the?? and even in my dream, i knew i havent know him much, but just felt like getting together.. iknow, wierd dream.. and the worst part is, because we dont know each other so well, we just try to get closer to each other and suddenly, we are really close physically, sayin romantic stuff to each other,, AND ENJOYIN OUR TIME BEING AT THAT POSITION!!! even it was just a dream, i clearly can feel the joy feeling when u're in love, like amore stuff.

then... I dont remember why, I had to give him up... and was challenged, if You wanna keep ur commitment to God, if you have faith, GIVE HIM UP...

you know, in my life i have had experienced surrendering things to God, lots of struggle, but I had always considered my love to God and set my priority upon it, even i felt so baaad givin up things. and i have never worried if i had to surrender that 'amore' sort of stuff, because i know, i dont want these things to hurdle my journey in God.

but dont know why just at that moment i felt sooooooooooo baaaaaaad givin him up, i cant make my mind and just felt so lost...

then.. not long, I woke up...... terribly shocked and shout to myself GOSH!!!!! THIS CANT HAPPEN TO ME. ITS.. DISGUSTING...

i just cant believe that that nightmare scene had ever come to my dream. i cant stop thinking, WHY HAD GOD LET THAT HAPPEN?? didnt he know, im trying my best on my journey not to get stucked into amore until He really wanted me to marry or sth? or even if He has never wanted me to, thats perfectly fine? just cant accept that disgusting think come to my dream!!! i always struggle to get rid of that sort of dirty stuff out of my mind when ever they start strucking into. buuut.. why?

okay, then in the midst of mixed feeling.. He spoke.. "can u remember "that couple"?" (referring to a love bird in the community) God continued speaking.. " you know now how it feels to be in love, hard right to give up?"

for some sec I just considered His voice and think of what it means and I thought, yes Lord, I know its hard to give up when we fall into amore, and thats why i never want to fall there.

He spoke again.. "they need you..."

considering what He said I just realise my job to tell people about the standards of "holyness" that God really wants young ppl to know.

I also remembered my question that I always asked God..
"God, can a youth being in a relationship and is in love, can they still love you as musch as they should have if they are not in love?" (what i mean is not the relationship which you do to prepare for marriage, which you keep distance to each other, but i mean like usual teenager, huging and that sort of stuff) . it is cuz i see several people like that and they are really into God. I always wonder, is that right? is that possible?

then I know now, that it is not possible. especially, if we are not going through the relationship in a 'holy' way, and not preparing for marriage. u better dont.
its good that we have the time and energy and heart to be fully dedicated to God while we are young. right? cuz as we are gettin older n older and more resposibilities we have, our ability to follow God, reduces, even if we really wanted to do so?

SO, LET US YOUNG PEOPLE, DONT WASTE OUR TIME MINDING TO FULFILL OUR CARNAL MIND, GET UP, SERVED THE LORD, WORK TO REACH THE LOST, BE DIFFERENT...

AND WHAT SHOULD AWAITS US ALONG AND AT THE END OF THE JOURNEY : THE BEAUTIFUL FAVOUR OF GOD IS ON US. AND HE WILL DEFINITELY USE OUR LIFE!

with this i realise and renew my commitment to the Lord, to tell young people bout this more passionately.

writing this also renew my courage and commitment for this mission!

i realise this is my job to tell the community about the TRUTH. Thanks God!


BE BLESSED, MOVE FORWARD !

ICF CAMP

sejujurnya hari ini gw gak ada rencana gimana2 bgt buat nulis.. cuma udh lama aja gk nulis.



and as u know, pasti udh bnyk bgt yg udh tjdi slama wkt it.. (sorry, cant keep this "diary" blog uptodate)



yahh diantara banyaaaaaaakk yg gw alemin, satu yg cukup sangat berkesan ..



ICF CAMP 9-11 APRIL 2010.



when i first heard abt this camp, i was not excited abt it, its hard to believe that im gonna enjoy it, because, its 5 months im in ICF, still I cant get along woth the people that well, honestly its quiet disappointing, I just dont fell at home, though im starting to, but still its quiet a strange place for me. Its probably not icf's or the people in there's fault, perhapss.. just not settled in Welly, faraway from home, fam, n the community i had grown up for my whole spiritual journey.



And I guess my character that easily fallen into "that pit of comfort zone",, makes me soopa troopa lazy about makin some effort goin with the people idk quiet well, though i knw it will be part of my spiritual investment. And talking bout that, I realised I was very unconvinced of how the camp gonna at all help me in my journey. Im so sorry, but I did underestimate ICF a lot. (yes, its my fault) I just still cant figure out how a christian community do things that the community im from in indonesia(TOGA) would or wouldnt do, basically, different commitment in God... just didnt realise the range that people may have. I thought, evey "right" community should do it, otherwise they are a misleading community,, yess, again, my bad.



However, after taking lots of space for that, what i wanna say is, despite, beside, of what I have written underestimating ICF, I cant underestimate God AT ALL !!! He is the ultimate Creator, Planner, the One that knows everything, One that wants to, knows how to, and absolutely can change a person. Which whom Im talking about right now is ME.



so, for short, i just went to the camp, without knowing whats gonna be in there, how will it be? wasteful? lame? disappointing? that were all in my mind. Just a few hope inside that this camp can contribute sth to my spiritual journey.



went up to somewhere in palmy, somewhere near foxton n fielding, cant remember the name of that particullar area. Along the way the view was gorgeous, unbelievably beautiful, but yeah, its wellington, so, its not that amazing.



First day in camp were just okay, nothing had stunned me. The day went by and i just went to sleep early for the sake of gettin up early, knowing the next mornin would be my team's turn for breakfast prep, i had to be ready to prepare b.fast at 7.30.



Sleeping was quiet good actually, nothing strange or disturbing with using a sleeping bag.



Dont know why, that morning, it was dawn actually, i woke up all of a sudden. I thought it was like 2am or so, but it was 4am more or less.... Shocked that it was just the perfect time id love to wake up everyday, to have sum quiete time. Was planning to sleep again, though. But a voice moved my heart to stay awake and have a quiet time.



I did my quiet time with bits and pieces now and then of falling asleep. Not long I felt, the Maori Host Family Leader, (uncle Skip) woke up, on the light to a dim brightness and prayed in Maori.

some people did wake up, drousily and some still asleep. After he had finished his prayer he went off until bright morning as I realised. (cuz im constantly fell asleep, haha) a good, 'quiete', intimate and revelating quiete time though, God revealing about servant.



bla bla bla for what i did in the morning. I forget when of the day was it that i asked him, about his restless sleep the night before as I saw him walking to the heatpumps several times before that prayer. I also asked about his habbit of waking up early for prayer as a Maori culture and what he do after, when he was gone. He answered. that he went for his personal prayer and have some quiet time with God and hear a pastor preeching through a radio channel for he likes the pastor teaching being full of revelation.



Im completely impressed... Aren't you? living in this city for the whole ongoing 6 months, goin to different churches, talking to tenths of christians, and since december knowing abt icf and the people, I had never found someone that would have the commitment to wake up early in the morning to have quiete time with God or read the Bible, or at least not early morning, just before doing activities, or at least everyday, no matter when in the day.



And as u know, I started as soon, to get interested with him, and started to open up conversation with him, and pretty much seeing what he is up to, to find spaces of time, which I can asked him more question about God (see?..dont mistake me okay??? haha) and find out what more he has??. Yes thats the pattern i would do if i met someone that i find him/her havin sumthing diffrent or intrestin than other people. (hint: like how I did to get closer to Ka Mega, hehe)



one time, finally caught up with him in a spare time, and private as well, with no one around.. again, dont mistake me!!!! starting a convesation of a fire, continued to bla bla bla, and ended up talking about the movement we have experienced in God. trully, I would say, he IS a different christian from others, im feeling that he has the passion, commitment, thirst of my friends in toga.



don't know how it went there, but the very end part of our conversation was me, emotionally telling him my holy discontentment from what i see in wellington, icf and other christians, i nearly tear! haha. he agreed with what i said, wow, even that is pretty amazing as well, seldom right people that agree with radical standards?? but then he said, he had to go to prepare his preech he gonna speak that night, we went off.



Just dont know why, just that simple sharing, really relieved my heart, as if it was poured with a mini 'first love' from God. Brought me back to one of our goals in christianity: the losts.

God! u're amazing! u changed me in a totally unexpected, yet powerful and unique way to change me....



these are only literally what ive experienced, more blessings i have received at and around the midst of the camp to be continued on next post..



I have to go home now!! its gettin dark and probably cold!



cya cya.